The Caregiver Family: Keeping the Peace While Getting Things Done

Paula’s family was a caregiver family and also was part of the Sandwich Generation. Her children were 20, 16, 13 and 2 at the time she was spending quite a bit of time caring for Mom. Members of a caregiver family have the challenge of running two households.

Whether or not the care recipient lives with the family or in their own home there are often two sets of bills, two sets of nutritional needs, two sets of errands and appointments to go to, and perhaps two separate schedules. The housework and laundry increase, family plans get interrupted and full time care needs to be given to both the elderly dementia patient and younger children.

Caring for Mom required a lot of time and energy. Lanette lived in Colorado when Mom required the most intensive care so Paula had to do quite a bit of the caregiving herself. Thankfully our Mom lived with her husband (our Step-Dad) who took care of things like laundry, basic housecleaning, and most meals.

Looking back on the situation now, though, we can see that he was completely overwhelmed and would push himself far beyond his limits before “asking” for help. He didn’t always deal with things in a productive way. So when he finally “broke” and needed a break our workload increased drastically because not only would we have our Mom to care for, but also our Step-Dad, and our Mom worrying about her husband. Not a good combination for a caregiver family!

Paula’s older children knew that their Mom was on call. They knew that plans weren’t actual plans until they were in the middle of an activity and it wasn’t interrupted. They also knew that they were needed to help with the meals, housework, and laundry at their home and also in helping to take care of their youngest sibling. They knew that they were part of a caregiver family and that they each had to sacrifice to help Grandma.

Paula’s husband also helped quite a bit. He was a blessing to Paula’s step-dad since Al hardly ever had the opportunity to interact with other men (he didn’t socialize because of his own health problems.)

Having the support of her family made living The Sandwich Generation lifestyle so much easier! It would have been easy to have lost our tempers with each other, to have been resentful and angry. But we worked together as a team and came through it alright. Here are some tips for living making your caregiving family run smoothly.

Scheduling for the Caregiver Family

Having a large calendar on the wall in a central part of the house where everyone writes their appointments, practice schedules, etc. helps with this task.

Schedule a mandatory family meeting once a week to coordinate transportation and to figure out which parent, if any, can attend major events. The caregiver family has many demands on its time. Coordination and cooperation go a long way toward making this lifestyle work best for everyone.

Like we mentioned earlier, with a 2 year old and a very sick Grandma in our lives my children learned that for awhile our plans were always tentative. It helped to explain our situation to friends and others who were involved in our lives. Once they knew that we weren’t trying to avoid them when we canceled—again!—they were very understanding and even offered to take our daughter to a few outings.

Many people don't understand the needs and challenges facing the caregiver family, especially one who is part of the Sandwich Generation. Take the time to educate them. They may not be able to help you, but having their understanding will make it easier for you to not have to constantly explain your absences.

Flexibility is the key to making an uncertain schedule work. Life won’t always be so hectic so do what you have to do when you have to do it and enjoy the time you have with your loved one.

Using the Skills of the Caregiver Family

If your children don’t have these skills yet now may be a good time to teach them. Don’t expect perfection. Especially for the first few years they won’t be any where near as good as you are at such tasks, but having their help can mean the difference between wearing dirty socks and at least having a load of clothing washed, even if the colors are all mixed up. (If you are concerned about colors fading onto other clothes take the time to do the sorting yourself and let them do the washing and drying.)

Writing a list of step-by-step instructions on how to do a chore is an easy way to teach these skills. Walk them through the list a few times then let them try the job on their own.

Planning and organization are essential to making things run smoothly in the caregiver family's home. A little bit of preparation and training now can save you hours of frustration and stress later.

Be sure to reward effort. Children like to be useful and helpful so recognize their developing skills and give them a small prize (gift card for a movie rental, their favorite candy bar, a new book, etc.) When they see that their contribution is valuable to the family they will put even more effort into helping with the chores.

If you have older children or other adults on your caregiving team it is helpful to consider what skills each of you has. One of you may be excellent at talking with health care professionals and getting answers to medical questions and concerns, another of you may be great with math and enjoy balancing the checkbook, whatever skills you possess it is best to try to let each person use the skills they are best at.

If none of you are good at a certain task then either work together to accomplish it or hire someone to do it. If money is an issue then just realize that the job needs to get done, and the other “team members” may have to give an extra effort while the one who is “stuck” with the difficult job works through it.

Good attitudes help a lot! A caregiver family that works together will make the time spent caring for your loved one rewarding instead of resentful.

Part of caring for a dementia patient, especially as the condition progresses, involves constant supervision of the care recipient. It may not seem like the person who is doing this job is “doing anything,” but the health, safety, and well-being of the dementia patient is the goal that you are all working toward. Be sure that no one feels like they are not contributing when they are “just” watching a movie, or painting a picture, or listening to music with Mom. They are playing an important role and performing a necessary job.

Teamwork is Vital to the Caregiver Family

Meet regularly with other adults and teens who are involved in the caregiving team. Discuss what is working, what isn’t working, and ways to improve the team.

In the early stages of dementia your loved one can be a part of the team. It is tempting to talk about the person instead of with them and to make decisions for them instead of allowing them to have input into the discussion. Remember that they are a part of the team also and include them whenever possible.

Be sure that each player has the opportunity to learn the skills that they need to succeed. If none of you has ever assisted an adult with a bath then someone will need to learn this skill. Find resources to show you how to do the things you don’t know how to do and give the person in charge of them the time and support they need to master them.

Consider health care professionals to be a part of your team also and be sure that they are aware of the home situation and time demands that face the caregiver family. They will be able to offer suggestions, advice, and connect you with resources that will make your jobs easier and more successful.

And, finally, a vital part of your team needs to be your support group or support system. You need to have the support of family members or close friends who aren’t involved with the day to day caregiving. Another source of this support could be a support group of other caregivers who are experiencing the same situations you are experiencing. This kind of support can allow you to have some time off to relax or spend time with your family. They can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and advice from an outsider’s perspective. Be sure to develop this part of your team.

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