Caregiver Emotions -- How to Deal with Guilt

What ever other caregiver emotions you may feel, you probably also battle with guilt.

“Guilty!” the soundtrack inside your head may scream at you. “You haven’t done enough.” “You could have prevented this or at least delayed it.” “You don’t give Mom a good enough diet, enough sleep, enough social time, enough . . .fill in the blank.”

A diagnosis of dementia may not come until several months or even years after the patient begins to exhibit symptoms. During this period there may have been times when you argued with the dementia patient thinking they had somehow made a mistake because they were being careless or they didn’t care enough. When the diagnosis is finally made and you realize that the mistakes were likely caused by physical causes, and not for some other reason, you may feel guilty about these past misunderstandings.

We felt guilty at times wondering if our Mom’s condition could have been prevented, if we had done enough to prepare her for what she was now facing, that we weren’t able to help more.

The problem with dementia and Alzheimer’s is that the victim loses the ability to effectively communicate. When symptoms first start the dementia patient may try to deny them. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.” “I don’t feel well today.” “You know me, I was never good at math.” By the time the patient has to admit that there really is a problem it may be too late to be able to have a complete, logical discussion about hopes, fears, plans, and regrets.

And also, by that time, the caregiver may be too busy with the every day chores and responsibilities to take the time to research various brain fitness exercises, diet changes, or possible drug interactions.

Coupled with the natural caregiver emotion of sadness from watching your loved one lose their ability to care for themselves, guilt can become a constant factor in what the caregiver does or doesn’t do for their loved one. And of all the caregiver emotions you may feel guilt can be one of the most difficult to overcome.

Guilt about How We Cared for Our Mom

But, before we had a chance to research the possibility, our Mom suffered a massive blood clot and was hospitalized for several weeks. During the hospitalization she was taken off all of the drugs she had been taking so that the blood thinners could work more effectively.

By the time she recovered it was obvious that her memory problems were caused by something besides drug interactions. We started mentioning the problems to her primary care physician, but he wasn’t concerned at first. Over a year went by before he even prescribed her anything for the symptoms.

During that time we were thinking, “Well, if the Dr. isn’t concerned about it maybe we shouldn’t be either.” We realized, too late, that this was the wrong position to take.

Could we have delayed our Mom’s symptoms? Could we have changed anything about her memory loss? Could we have better prepared her for what she would soon face? Could we have better prepared ourselves for caring for our Mom?

Our caregiver emotions were already on edge. Now we had to deal with the guilt of what if . . .

So many questions. So many unknowns. So many reasons to feel guilty.

Tips for Dealing with the Caregiver Emotion of Guilt

Another thing to remember is that you may have made mistakes. You will probably make mistakes today. And you almost definitely will make mistakes in your future caregiving efforts. Welcome to reality!

Guilt is a negative emotion that will tear you up inside. Like other negative caregiver emotions, guilt can cause physical sickness and pain. It can cause you to not do well at the jobs that are necessary for you to be an effective caregiver. If not dealt with, guilt can cause you to give up.

One way to deal with feelings of guilt is to keep a Care Journal. Write down the things you have done and the things you are doing now to help your care recipient. When you are starting to feel guilty look back at all the things you have done right. Encourage yourself with your successes.

Another thing to do is to keep a list of things you would like to try, to do, and to talk about with your care recipient when you get a chance. When you find the time (but, let me warn you, it may not be very often) do an activity or have a discussion. You may not get to everything you “should” do, but if you do what you can it will help you to feel less guilty about the other stuff that you leave undone.

And the most important thing you can do to deal with feelings of guilt is to forgive yourself. Beating yourself up over your failures and shortcomings will not help anyone and it won’t make you feel any better, so forgive yourself. Give yourself permission to mess up.

As a caregiver, emotions will, at times, overwhelm you. You are not a robot programmed to do everything exactly perfectly. When guilt tries to remind of this fact turn off that internal soundtrack.

Then be the best caregiver you can be! You can do it! And you can do it very well!

Get a FREE Copy of Our Ebook!

Dementia Caregiving Priorities: Making Life Easier for the Dementia Patient and the Dementia Caregiver

when you subscribe to our FREE e-zine!