Dementia Caregiver Emotions

How to Deal with Anger

Caregiver emotions can run the gamut from sadness to joy to confusion to anger. Dealing with these emotions, especially while you are tired from handling the daily responsibilities of caregiving can be challenging. On this page we deal the emotion of anger. There can be many things that make you angry as a dementia caregiver. Your loved one is uncooperative. The chores are piling up. You are exhausted. Your siblings aren’t helping. Your care recipient’s primary care physician isn’t doing enough to help your Mom.

And then, because you are angry anyway, you get angry at yourself for not being a bigger person and rising above all these difficulties!

We’ve been there. We have yelled and argued with family members. We have rationalized that “We wouldn’t have handled it that way!” We have stewed and steamed and complained about Drs. and banks and even the pharmacy.

We have also wasted a lot of energy on anger that could have been put to more productive use.

Why the Dementia Caregiver May Be Angry

You may still desire the same relationship--to hear your Dad ask you how your investments are going, to laugh at a joke with your brother, to relax in the arms of your wife and enjoy her smell. But those things are gone. They are either locked up tight in the mind of your loved one or have simply ceased to exist. You don’t know for sure and you don’t really care. You are just angry!

Of course, you know that anger is not a healthy emotion. You know that it doesn’t solve anything and that it really only makes you feel terrible, mentally, emotionally, and physically, but how do you stop being angry? How do you “get over it” and become a productive caregiver?

We found that getting over being angry was a decision. Talking about it helps. Laughing about it helps. Getting a good night’s sleep helps. But, ultimately, we just had to decide to let it go.

The best way for a dementia caregiver to deal with anger is to not get angry in the first place. “Oh, why didn’t I think of that! That’s so easy. . . Yeah, right!” we can hear you saying.

While we can’t solve every problem for you in the context of this website (we probably couldn’t solve them in person either), we can offer you some coping tips and techniques that will help you to keep those things that can trigger angry emotions from taking over your life.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs Someone to Talk to about Anger

We had each other. And what a blessing that was! If you don’t have a supportive sibling, find a support group. Your loved one’s Dr. should be able to recommend local resources or you can join an online caregiving community.

Some of you may prefer the face to face contact of a local support group, but others may appreciate the anonymity of an online group. One advantage of an online group is that you don’t have to leave your home to access the help and support it offers. While caring for a dementia patient this can be tremendous advantage.

You may want to join both kinds of groups since they both have advantages and disadvantages. If you try one group and don’t feel comfortable there, then try another group. Take the time and effort to find someone to talk to. Just having the opportunity to vent every now and then can help to overcome feelings of anger.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Make Make Their Loved One’s Life Easier

Dementia is a sad disease. Your loved one has lost the ability to care for themselves, but they have also lost the ability to thank you for caring for them. They often act like children, but then get angry at you for treating them as a child.

Being a dementia caregiver for them can be confusing and heart-wrenching. There are so many emotions coupled with the care of a dementia patient, but since this page is about dealing with anger we will focus on that.

One way to keep from getting angry is to make your surroundings, routine, and communication with the dementia patient as simple as possible. Consider the things that continually frustrate you. How can you make these things easier to handle?

There are many (or there will be, eventually, when we get them written) pages on this site that offer information on how dementia caregivers can streamline chores, make meal time more manageable, keep your loved one safe and content, and make communication more productive.

Often when we meet the needs of others we feel better ourselves so by helping your loved one to feel loved, cared for, useful, and productive you will feel better about yourself and will find yourself getting angry about fewer things.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Take Care of Yourself

You must take care of yourself as well as the dementia patient!

If you are constantly going, living off of energy bars and soda pop you will not have the physical resources you need to handle the emotions necessary to be a dementia caregiver. You MUST make sure that your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are met also.

Part of taking care of yourself is planning and preparing quality meals each day. These don’t have to be fancy, labor-intensive feasts. You probably won’t have time for those right now. But you can prepare fast, easy to prepare food that also has nutritional value. Many recipes can be prepared in the crock pot and let cook all day. This will save you time in the evening when you may be tired after a long day.

We will be adding a section of fast easy to prepare recipes to the site in the future. For now, though, search the Internet or library for recipes that meet these guidelines.

Another part of proper self-care is to get some exercise. Take the time to walk around the block with your loved one or get a treadmill to use while your loved one watches television. Lift hand weights while waiting for water to boil. You won’t have time to train for a marathon at this time in your life, but you can get some activity in your day. And you need activity to stay healthy and alert.

Feeling run down, getting sick or struggling with concentration can increase feelings of anger and frustration because a dementia caregiver often doesn’t have the luxury of taking time off to recover from an illness and most decisions required of you need to be made quickly so you don’t have time for fuzzy thinking.

A third factor in taking care of yourself is getting proper rest. The dementia patient may require constant supervision and often dementia patients don’t keep to a regular sleep pattern. Our Mom would usually “sleep” sitting upright on the edge of the bed or the couch. Her head would fall forward, her eyes would fall shut and she would tilt back and forth as though she was either going to lay down or fall off the edge. She would do this for hours! If we tried to lay her down so that she could actually sleep she would wake up and then spend several more hours “making her bed.” This was exhausting to watch.

If you are the primary caregiver or the only caregiver adjust your sleeping schedule to your loved one’s schedule. Sleep when they sleep. Nap when they nap. Alzheimer’s patients often get their days and nights mixed up and trying to train them to do otherwise usually doesn’t work. Just go with the flow. You’ll save yourself from a lot of anger that way.

Another way to keep from becoming angry is to have an outlet of some kind. Continue to pursue your hobbies. Read, write, scrapbook, watch sports, play music, whatever you enjoy doing find some time to do it. If the activity isn’t something you can involve your loved one in then find someone to stay with them while you participate in some activity. Even if you need to hire help for this the benefit of getting some time to yourself to relax and rejuvenate, even if it is just once a month, will be quite valuable.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Enlist the Help of Family Members

Caregiving is hard work. It is great if you have someone to share the endless chores, the errands that need running, the difficult decisions you need to make, and maybe even the financial burden.

It may help to understand that some people are afraid to deal with the emotions and challenges that come with being a dementia caregiver, even temporarily. Not every one can handle seeing their loved one suffering. This doesn't make your job any easier though.

When approaching family members to help offer to let them do something that doesn't involve direct care of the dementia patient. Anything that someone does to make the dementia caregiver's job easier will be a blessing.

If your siblings or your spouse's sibling, or other family members that could help don’t offer to help, at least occasionally, it may help to have a family meeting.

To prepare for such a gathering make a list of things that the others can do to help you. Include easy tasks like picking up the weekly groceries, and mailing bills or returning movie rentals and library books. Also include more difficult, time consuming (or in the words of some reluctant caregivers “scary jobs”) like staying with the dementia patient for a few hours or even a few days while you take a break and accompanying them to their Dr. appointments.

Approach the meeting in a calm, non-confrontational way. Explain why you need help and show them the ways in which they could help. Tell them that you will show them how to do anything they need to do and that you will be available to return if they really need you to.

Have a calendar ready to write down their commitments and gently stress the importance of them following through.

Depending on the general attitude of those attending be prepared that no one may volunteer. People tend to follow the crowd and unless someone makes that first move it is possible that no one may offer to help. Continue to be polite and friendly. And fight the urge to lose your temper.

We know that this happening would probably make you even angrier, but if you prepare yourself for it ahead of time it will be a little easier to take. It is possible that one or two of them may call you later after they have had a chance to think about it and offer to help then. Thank them for calling and then decide what they would like to do.

Whether or not anyone steps up at the meeting or calls to offer help later send every one who attended the meeting a thank you note. Let them know that the offer of helping their loved one still stands, just contact you when they are ready.

This will be hard to do without yelling, screaming, and accusing, but consider this, if you are the only person in your family who has taken on the responsibility of being a full-time dementia caregiver for your loved one, you already are a more mature person. You can handle this.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Deal with Past Relationship Issues

Past hurts can leave raw wounds on our emotions. And if the pain involves the dementia patient it may not be possible to have the conversations necessary to work through the hurtful issues.

If you can talk about them with the person involved make every effort to do so, no matter how hard it may be. If you can’t talk to them without fighting then find a neutral third party to act a referee.

Seek professional counseling if you aren’t able to talk with the person or if the issues are too painful to deal with on your own. Talking to someone can help, but if you are really hurting it may be too much for a support group to bear. Do what you need to do to resolve these issues or you will remain angry and your caregiving will be difficult.

It especially important for the dementia caregiver to be able to work through this issue. Unresolved relationship issues can impair your judgment and possibly lead to harm for you or your care recipient. Dealing with anger will be impossible until this area has been resolved.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Get Your Loved One’s Dr. to Help

The dementia patient needs you, their caregiver, to be their voice. They may be able to tell the Dr. that their back hurts or that they are very tired, but they won’t be able to convey information like they often gag while eating or they have forgotten how to brush their teeth. It is important that you have a working relationship with your loved one’s primary care physician.

If you have tried to talk with their Dr. and have gotten no results it may be time to switch to a different physician. We had to change our Mom’s Dr. at one point and the new Dr. we chose made life so much easier. Her previous physician would just look her over, take a few notes, and tell us when to schedule the next appointment. He also seemed to just prescribe something instead of actually trying to figure out why our Mom was having certain symptoms and complaints.

Her new Dr. would take the time to talk with Mom so that she could see how much her speech and comprehension had changed over the weeks, she would ask us about our observations and concerns, and she did a physical exam. She was concerned about the amount of medication Mom was on when she first started seeing her as a patient and was starting to wean her off of some medications.

After we found Dr. W. we were angry that we had waited so long to switch physicians. It was a hassle getting the transfer done with all the paperwork, wait times, and an unexpected hospital stay in the middle of it all when Mom didn’t technically have a primary care physician, but when it was all completed it was so worth it.

If your care recipient’s current physician is making you angry take the steps to change to a different Dr. This is one cause of anger that is more easily correctable.

When making the appointment with the new Dr's office explain to the receptionist that you are the dementia patient's caregiver. This will help the new physician to expect your presence at the appointment.

The Dementia Caregiver Needs to Allow Yourself to Feel

Being a dementia caregiver can invoke a whole set of emotions that you may not feel otherwise. And along with all of these emotions can come a sense of helplessness, that you are powerless to change anything. So sometimes we just bottle all of our feelings and get through the days. This won’t do anyone any good.

Allow yourself to feel—to hurt, to laugh, to cry, even to scream (but not at people.) Deal with your emotions. You will be a much better caregiver. And you will not regret what you “should have done” in the future.

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